liberate_me

WHEN SADNESS OVERRULES: “THE COLLEGE DROP-OUT” (a depression tale) part 1

I like being spontaneous. And feeling stuck, forced and hardly guarded are some things that can’t be tolerated whatsoever in my lifestyle. So when the time I realized I’m cornered and ruled out of options, I prepared myself for the worst, my combusting into million bits of pieces.

This is my tale when I first “almost” took my life at college.

Back in high school, I would like to think that I fared well as a good student. I have decent grades; I backed my credentials with a handful of extra-curricular activities, and pretty much brave a lot of activities that made my high school life bearably worthwhile.

I did art, I did community service, did my best in my projects and reports, I did write and act on stage! I was spontaneous, I love that I’m happy with the things that I did. I like it when I get recognized and it felt rewarding as my hard work pays off.

And when the time comes where every senior was busy looking for their respective colleges, I pretty much decided to get in to “this” known university. And I did not fail myself and was happy of what have I achieved so far.

I like to believe that I am some person who doesn’t want to disappoint. I try to live my life as expected from me. Life for me back then was like a rolling stone. I was non-stop looking for approval, trying to make everyone that matters proud and confident that I am not going to end up as a problem source.

But then college life started.

I felt like I am the odd one out. I’ve got a different/new crowd to please. I was having anxieties about myself, and I am slowly building up depression. A lot of things came in to my head. I worried a lot. Many things, such as: I am not used to such a huge environment, I am not used with a co-ed set up (fyi: I was in an exclusive school for girls all my life), I am not used with my schedule; I don’t even think my chosen career is bankable for the future; I find that the school is very far from our home; and when it rains, the whole university is like an island!

I am building more and more anxieties. I felt so unsure, at lost and worse trapped on my own decision. My supposedly high self-esteem took a surprising nose dive! I have no problem whatsoever with my block mates. They’re the best bunch actually, but deep inside I have a situation that I can’t seem to resolve. All I know is that I want out from all of it and I want it ASAP.

I have two HS friends to call on to during those times. They were always comforting, but the relief was sadly short lived. I just want out.

~to be continued~